Tuesday, July 3, 2012
I Was Standing At The Edge....
Here I am in all my glory about to tell you about a journey that I wouldn´t wish on anyone but for some of us is an absolute must to take. A journey which sometimes leads us down different paths but ultimately the goal is to get to the same place. What place is that? A place where you feel comfortable in your own skin, where your health is in top condition, and you´re happy with how you live every day. A journey that seems sometimes impossible for those of us with lots of baggage (weight) to carry. And yet....some do arrive in the place of satisfaction in life and are there forever while others get there and enjoy it for a short while only to wake up one day and find themselves back at the beginning of the journey and wondering if they really are up to heading down that path again or trying to find ways to get through the journey as quick as possible.
Oh...this is good writing, isn´t it? I mean...sounds so philosophical and correct but you´re probably asking yourself, "what the hell does she mean?" Well, if you didn´t catch the hint with the word, weight, in that paragraph then I´ll tell you it has to do with my weight and my unhappiness with the bad decisions I am making in my life these days.
It has to do with my thoughts, around the possibility of getting a gastric sleeve operation, which I have had the last week. I almost had myself completely convinced that this was exactly what I needed. I was so convinced that I was doing my best to convince everyone else around me, since I had pretty much convinced myself, all I needed was everyone else to be convinced and that seemed to support my own feelings. And yet, anyone who knows me, knows that I analyze and analyze some more. I think....I decide...then I change my mind...and this process can go on and on until I finally make a decision and stick with it. I almost never jump into something and certainly never light heartedly. If I do something, I try and do what I have concluded is the best and I try and do it with all my heart. If I can´t give all of me, then I question whether it´s the right decision and when I woke up this morning I realized I wasn´t able to give all of me to this decision.
A quick trip to the doctor this morning to check the results of my blood pressure test I took yesterday (Went around with a blood pressure machine all day and night and it recorded my blood pressure at various intervals) and my other blood tests the doctor took earlier revealed that yes, while being morbidly obese, I am otherwise a pretty healthy chick.
A little nutty....but healthy......
I discussed with my doctor what she felt I should do and she felt I wasn´t ready for the operation. She said I was young enough and healthy enough internally that I could keep trying the old fashioned way for another two years and see how things go. If by two years I am not able to get my weight down and keep it down, then we will definitely look at the operation.
I tell ya, I was so giddy after she said that...I was extremely HAPPY! I felt like I had been standing at the edge ready to jump and everyone was around me trying to be supportive telling me it would be fine and they´d be there for me and I needed to do what was best for me and what I really wanted was for someone to stop me from jumping off the edge and my doctor gave me "her hand" and rescued me. Gave me hope that maybe I wasn´t ready to jump, I wasn´t at the end of my rope...that there is another alternative and a belief in myself that I seriously think I lost.
Immediately after my appointment I was so tired...I had used so much energy to think and research and try to decide if the operation was the way for me, that I didn´t want to think about it anymore. I didn´t want to talk about it...and the embarrassing part is I had told several people of my plans and felt an immediate need to apologize and explain that I had yet again changed my mind and then explain WHY I had changed my mind and so on and so on.
Then I started thinking how angry I am at myself. How frustrated I am that exactly this subject has to be so irritatingly and frustratingly difficult. I am angry because I otherwise think of myself as a pretty smart person. Not a genius by any means but an average bear...I know not to jump in front of moving cars...I know to not swim on a full belly, I know that playing with guns is dangerous. I know how to keep myself safe from harm...but I don´t know how to keep my body healthy and safe from harm internally. I may not play with guns but let me tell you....a handful of gummy bears and a big glass of Pepsi Max to wash them down with can be just as dangerous as those guns in the long run. That extra sauce I just HAVE to have on my beef or the extra slice of pizza because, hey...let´s face it..I make damn good pizza...those things won´t kill me immediately but they will certainly get me in the end. So WHYYYYYYYY do I see that and NOT react?
Then I started thinking that I think the biggest thing with weight loss and health in general is up in your head...the bridge of my ship if you will.....where the decisions are made...that is where I need to focus making the most change.
Starting off with being realistic. I am not 18 anymore...lovely as that time was and skinny as I was then....I am not there anymore. I think I have a chance to get back close to that point body wise, but my body has been through three child births since I was 18....so getting back to exactly that point is important to realize, highly unlikely. I also think if I use as much time and effort understanding why I put food into my mouth and exercising, as I did trying to research how life would be without 75% of my stomach I might be off to a good start also.
As you can tell I´ve been struggling with what to blog about lately. Hence the silence. Perhaps I´ll use my blog in the weeks and months to come to follow this new journey I´m setting out on..so you can see what I find out along the way...maybe some of it will inspire or help those of you thinking of starting out on your own journey? Maybe we can take it together? For those of you who are lucky to be at the place of satisfaction and look like you´re staying there, your words of encouragement along my journey will be greatly appreciated.
Until next time my friends....