Seriously.....

The other day I was chatting with my Dad on skype. I love being able to chat with him and with both of us living busy lives we rarely get time, so it´s always a treat when I finally catch him or he catches me. It´s normal...or at least in my family it´s normal, to break down and spill your guts to those closest to you and I´ve been wrestling with a problem that has been haunting me forever it seems. My weight. To make matters worse I´m getting older. I always thought I´d look forward to getting older. The confidence a person exudes because they´ve lived a long life, they´ve been around the block...I really was/am excited about that. However, being overweight and getting older I´m finding I´m more scared then excited. Scared of what is going to break down first on my body because I´ve been treating it like shit. When the breakdown happens will I finally be pushed into making the necessary changes in life I need? I guess the flip side of that question is why do I have to have a breakdown in order to make the changes? 

As several of you know I was in the Scandinavian version of the Biggest Loser. I lost about 57lbs through that program. Pretty much on my own as I went home after the first week. (Long Story) I was really proud of myself but my head wasn´t with the weight loss. When I looked in a mirror I still saw a huge woman...no real changes and I was disappointed that things were still hanging, flappy, you name it. Of course now, when I look back at photos from that time I do see the changes I had made but it´s too late. I´m back at the beginning of this game. I´ve made valiant efforts to try and lose weight in the 7 years since the show...as many of you know I´ve mentioned my weight issues here before...but let´s face it folks. If you´re head isn´t in the same place as your heart then nothing will help. 

I find myself continuously sabotaging my own efforts and I ask myself over and over, why? I wish I could give you an answer. I wish I could answer myself but I can´t. The only thing I can assume is that my head isn´t where my heart is...at least not completely. It´s a bad excuse but we fat people are full of excuses...

I´ve been seriously contemplating the Gastric Sleeve operation. Unlike the Gastric Bypass which removes intestines and reconnects various parts of you and removes various parts of you, this procedure only removes 80% of your stomach and not the part that takes up nutrients into your blood. So supposedly a milder version of the gastric bypass- a safer procedure if you will. From everything I´ve read you still have to do the work but the sleeve is like a secret helper. You get fuller faster so you don´t eat as much, however you still have to choose healthy foods and exercise. Nothing is free and I´m afraid if I went this route I´d probably pay a bigger price then I want....but...if I don´t go with this procedure what price will I pay if I can´t get this weight off? If I struggle year after year after year, getting older and older and my body not being as young and quick to fix itself after my continuous beatings...what then? I´m scared but am I scared enough? I think though, before I go this route, I have to feel I´ve exhausted all other possibilities...this is a last resort possibility and I don´t think I´m there yet...even though it´s bad..I still think I have a chance to do this myself. 

The thing is, I know what I have to do. This isn´t a new subject for me. I didn´t wake up yesterday fat and say, Oh shit now what? I´ve been battling this since my kids started appearing on the scene and before that I´ve watched my Mom and Dad battle with their weight. My Mom more so then my Dad but never the less....and many other family members have also battled and are continuing to battle their weight. I´ve read about tons of different diets and while I agree some people might have more difficulties with certain foods then others and be better off without them, I do believe in the eat what you want but within reason philosophy. I tell everyone I meet, if you tell me not to eat something...I´ll want it ten times more. 

Yeah, I can joke about it too....but at the day´s end...this is extremely serious to me. I´m my own worst enemy also. I´m the only one stopping myself from making the changes I need. I´m the only hinderance I have. It´s not that I don´t like healthy food, I love veggies, I love fruit, I love whole grains, I love fish, chicken...I´m pretty much a girl who will eat just about anything and I´m ok with it...I also wouldn´t go around bragging that I´m an athlete at heart but once I get through the door and going I do love exercise. Probably being outside more then in a gym, although I see the purpose for a gym as well...when the weather is bad and you could use the excuse that it´s too bad outside to exercise, you can go to the gym and for the weight lifting...although I know you could find heavy things to lift and do your own program at home...there is something cool about lifting weights in a gym. I seriously love it...I feel all Rocky like....hey, stop laughing!!! Seriously though...the problem doesn´t lie in what I have to eat or what I have to do really as much as it lies inside of me...ME...I´m the problem and again I ask...WHY? 

Sometimes I think the family surroundings are my downfall. Some might say I have a responsibility as a parent to teach my kids to eat healthy and my kids can eat healthy. They can eat anything they want and you´d never notice...that´s the problem. Maybe it would be easier if the kids looked like little rollie pollies because nothing bothers me more then overweight children. However, I´m the only one in this family...at this time....that can´t eat whatever she wants without gaining tons of weight. The rest of the gang can eat whatever and you´d never notice...this bothers me and I sometimes think it makes it hard because I don´t want to be any different then the rest of the gang...but I am....I´m different...there I said it....hahahahaha...

Sometimes I think it´s my love of baking which hinders me...but I love to bake healthy too...I just don´t always post my healthy baking on here...why? I don´t know...the sweets look more appealing sometimes then the healthy stuff? Uff, that just sounds like another lame excuse...


Maybe I should use my blog more like a supportive tool in the future. I´ll still write about lots of different things. This won´t be a weight loss blog only...but instead of posting cakes and cookies and a lifetime-on-your hip recipes I´ll try and post healthier meals, healthier snacks, etc. Perhaps I´ll post about activities I´ve done as a way to be accountable to someone...because I think I need that. I need a little heat on my neck...someone looking over my shoulder. Yáll can be the angels on my shoulder encouraging me in the right direction, are you feeling inspirational? I read health blogs, I read health magazines, I´m getting plenty of information and now I have to take baby steps and put things into motion. I´d like to be around for a long long time...so I need to start....I need to do something because something is better then nothing right?

A big thanks to my Dad for sending me all these funny comics which really made me laugh...I hope they made you all laugh too! If anyone wants to join me in this quest for a healthier lifestyle...if I dare call it that....let me know. We can be accountable to each other...support is a key factor in weight loss I think. If you don´t need to lose weight but just want to be a little healthier let me know...I can use people like you too in my corner. I don´t doubt for one second I can do this...I just have to have my mind in the right place as my heart and I think it is...I´m hoping it is...So hang in there with me, this spring, I´ll share healthy meals, healthy ideas, healthy activities and we´ll see if we can´t meet summer with a few kilos less...sounds good doesn´t it?


Until next time my friends....