Ok, where do I begin? Where does one start to tell total strangers the personal things going on in one's life and not look like you are out there grasping for sympathy? Hmmm...Well, I guess when you blog you expose yourself and your "personal things" slightly. So here goes...
My mom was flown to the ICU unit at St. Paul's in Dallas. Her illness has been taking her apart piece by piece and she apparently got a huge infection which started making all the bad things worse. Her kidney's have begun failing, she has congestive heart failure, she can't breathe without oxygen being blown into her with force...My uncles and aunts are on their way to Dallas and my Dad is already at my mother's side. The question remains if I should get permission from work, call Stig back from Brazil and go over myself.
I went a year and a half ago when everyone thought the end was happening...I stayed with my mom and dad for five weeks in the ICU unit at St. Pauls. My uncles and aunts arrived then also...it was a great family reunion despite the circumstances which brought us all together. The doctors gave my mom six months at that time and she rallied and went home and has surpassed the doctor's predictions by eight months so far. But she is slowly falling apart piece by piece.
According to my dad she is much thinner then when I saw her, her skin is opaque and you can see all her veins, her hair is falling out from being bed ridden for almost two years...she's in other words a mess. I thought she looked horrid when I saw her last time.....I can't even imagine what she is like now.....and shamefully, I admit that I don't want to know either.
I feel like the world's worst daughter but honestly I don't want to see my mom like this. The only reason I would go over right now would be for my dad and my sister. It's a horrible thing to think and here I am writing it...but it's true. I think the hardest thing for me during my mother's illness has been mourning her over a long period of time. She is alive but it's only a question of when? Next week? Next month? Tomorrow? I KNOW she won't be here five years from now...or ten years from now...but when will she go? She is so tired and weak she can barely speak on the phone..so my conversations with her are kinda like those you'd want to have if your loved one who has passed on came back for a breif moment...you'd tell them how much you miss them and love them and hear them say the same and then they are gone again...that is how my conversations have been with my mom. The mom I spoke at length with about anything and everything is gone...she's been gone awhile. I've been mourning the loss of that woman for some time now. Yet the physical mom is still here and for my Dad and sister who see her daily they say mom's spirit is still very much here and fighting..but I guess it's one of those things you are only privileged to witness if you are there taking care of her 24/7 like they do. On MSN I've video messaged with my family and seen my mom...but she pretty much sits there struggling to find a comfortable spot, having difficulty breathing or falling asleep.
I would never wish this kind of ending for anyone...and I hope and pray when it's my time to go I just go..bam and it's over as quickly as it all began. Stig asked me if this meant I wanted him to pull the plug on me if I ever get to that point and I said of course not..but I'm saying I HOPE and PRAY I just go...that is what I want..but you don't always get what you want in life....now do you?
The doctors have taken several tests on mom and are awaiting answers. Nothing more can be said at the moment about her condition. My dad asked if he should get me over there and the Doctor said it was up to me..he said he thought mom would have been gone eight months ago...and she's still here. He could say he doesn't think she will make it until next week and she could be here for another year...who knows...only one knows for sure and he's not tellin....so we wait...and we ride this horrid roller coaster of emotions and see what happens.
While we wait, life goes on...tonight our dashing Dutch man arrives to court my beautiful Italian Lioness and I'm hoping she will be nice and not a feisty little Italian and let him have his way with her...so we can have puppies this summer. I'm hopeful but again, only time will tell. I've only been a part of a mating once before and I never knew we had to be so involved..I just thought they go do their thing and come back with big smiles on their faces...that's how Heidi handled things...she and her boyfriend took off every chance they got or just met in the yard while we were out on day trips...and when we came back they had big smiles on their faces. When my male leonberger mated a female, neither one had experience, so we had to hold her and PUSH him in to position and help him make contact...if ya know what I mean...the female made moaning sounds and small squeals which I never knew they did and let me tell ya, holding on to two dogs doin' it...with complete strangers who you've only just emailed a few times with sure makes for interesting conversations or very quiet awkward moments..."So how's the weather?" Is never used more then when you are holding two dogs together under a sexual act with people you don't really know that well.
Dibbes has experience..so I'm hoping he will know all the right buttons to push and we can sit back and not have to participate so intimately in their act...but we will see. I haven't taken any tests on her either so I'm not sure if we are at the exact day but according to my friend who has bred the signs are all there that she is getting extremly close if not on the right day. So cross your fingers.
Besides dog breeding, it's raining which again makes everything muddy and impossible to keep clean. So presenting a clean home will not be possible this trip around. Sarah is under the weather today and the kid's activity list is multiplying for every day, soccer is starting up for Thomas again and I'm sure Julia will begin again soon. In the meantime she and her sister have their hip hop dance they go too. I have several meetings coming up the next weeks which clash with children's activities...does anyone know how to be in two places at one time???
I'm not sleeping well at nights, the slightest noise makes me "wake up" and I start thinking of everything. Last night I was up around 3:30 as the cat who was sleeping on our bed started making these horrid howling sounds and I turned my light on to see him acting like he was going to throw up ON MY BED!!!! Jumped out of bed, grabbed him and got him to the front door before he hurled a huge chunck of God Knows What on the floor...got that cleaned up, went to the bathroom, climbed back into bed only to have a pup think my getting up meant it was time for her to get up...so she starts wimpering and then playing with her stuffed pig and making all kinds of chewing noises on him...around 430 I thought, I'm getting up in an hour SLEEP DAMN IT...and managed to sleep again but it felt like I just closed my eyes and the darn alarm went off...ugh...
But I got to work today and made some coffee, took some natural ginseng tablets to give me a little kick today and then the little people started arriving..and all my troubles were forgotten for the short time I was at work today...instead my head was filled with....who has "baked muffins?" in their diaper (the saying I use when someone has gone number two in their diaper) and having a grand time teaching my little Norwegian babies to say Bye Bye and Honey Bunny and Darling and other wonderful English things, having my hand suddenly come alive and tickle these little darlings into fits of giggles and the most adorable laughter you've ever heard. I baked pizza for dinner at work today...hot dog pizza (every kid's dream) and the kids and I were walking around dancing and singing Pizza Pizza Pizza We Love Pizza....I love to turn the radio up at work in the morning and start dancing..I can't dance...but neither can they and as long as it's just them and me and no other adults...we dance...and the kids really let loose....and I do too so they won't feel alone...hahahaha...
Now I have to get some things done before our guests arrive tonight. I'm going to make a nice tomato soup and garlic bread for dinner when they come..hoping for sunny weather tomorrow so we can grill. I'll post photos from the encounter...
Please keep my mom in your prayers...if you do that kinda thing..I don't go to church every Sunday but do believe in the power of thought and prayer.
Until next time my friends...
