Blue Thursday

This has been a difficult day and what better place to air my difficult day then on my blog?? I think it's an accumlation of many different things that just pile on top of each other day after day and at some point you just can't take anymore. Something has to happen but you might not know what...

I've made no secret that it's not always easy having a husband who works at sea and is gone half the year. It's been that way most of my marriage so I'm kinda use to it and usually it's ok..I get by and I can handle things but when I see things that could have maybe been better with two parents around ALL the time I feel the responsibility falls to me and when I see things aren't going as well as they should I feel so guilty for maybe not being the type of mom I should be- yes, I'm talking about my kids...guess I should have just said that from the get go. I have one child who is goal oriented, does her homework and then some without any nagging....then I have two children who you have to "ride" the ENTIRE time or they would blow the whole education thing off. I have tried and tried to trust they will do their work. Their teachers speak well of them and their work at parent meetings. There is always room for improvement but they are doing OK. So I happily go about my business but I can't help but notice daughter number two is coming home from school and disappearing as quickly as she arrived to go visit friends or she plops in front of the TV or goes out and jumps on the trampoine with her brother...Her brother does pretty much the same thing and I never see either of them do any homework. I ask daily and get a quick answer of YEEEEES Mother it's done...and I let it go...until I see this happening day after day after day and I start to think if I don't double check this it will get way past the point of fixing. So today I pulled a quickie on Julia....I called her at her friend's home and told her I needed her to come home. I told her that her teacher had called and I needed to talk to her. Quietly she agreed and came right home. She came in looking like a whipped puppy and I asked her to please tell me what I was going to talk to her about....she didn't look at me but admitted that she got a 1 (F) on her latest paper because she had cheated and copied her work off of Wikpedia. Yes, I got more then I bargained for here...I figured she would tell me her teacher got on her about not doing her homework but then I got this...I never let on that I hadn't talked to her teacher but let her explain to me what happened..she claimed she didn't have time, she had gotten home from dance and had this paper due the next day and it was late....blah blah blah...I told her she had plenty of time each day but she chose to use it in ways that didn't help her studies. I then told her she was grounded for the next two weeks. I told her I expected to see her doing at least an hour worth of homework daily and if I wasn't here Sarah would be my eyes to make sure she did her work. She looked up at me and said that she was going to ask me if she could go with her friends to some carnival days in Brumunddal tomorrow- everyone was going- and I told her no. No way in heck was she going. She began crying and I felt horrible but stuck with what I said. I then went into this big speech about investing in herself with her school work and her future and so on...we've probably all heard a similar speech at one time or another in our lives...now whether she heard this speech any better then the rest of us is yet to be seen...but I tried to express that her education was important for her...not me. I was going to have my home, clothing, money to pay my bills, she was going to move out someday...and someday was coming fast and she needed to take this seriously. Now all I can do is hope she heard me.

I had a similar speech with my son who sat down and did his homework in about five minutes flat in front of me. When he showed me the chicken scratch he called writing I noticed several mistakes made in haste and told him to re-write the whole thing neater and that if he continued to write as horribly as he did he would continue to sit there and re-write it for me. I told him it was better to take time and do it right the first time then have to continuously re-do something. I've been on him a lot lately for many things that I am mostly to blame for...he is the baby and I've spoiled him and never seen the horror of my doings until recently. Before it was just cute...he was so little...and he knew exactly how to charm me with his adorable smile and cuddles...I melted and thought...ahh it can't be that bad....but it is...and it's getting worse and I have realized tough love is needed. I can't be dazzled by his charming smile and sweet cuddles..I have to stand tough and it's not easy. I wish Stig was here to be the tough guy...I hate to be the tough guy but I have no choice...it's me or no one...

On top of my children there is the things happening in the states that bother me. My mother's health and recently an arguement between my sister and me which has left us not talking at the moment. Not exactly anything I have wanted to have happened but it did and I am not sure how to get things back on track. I've tried to explain myself only to be more and more misunderstood. It seems hopeless and it's very sad that it's come to that.

Then today at work there was 15 beautiful little angels who were having really bad days and crying in every corner...on top of it all was rainy weather and all the regular employees I usually work with either were at a training course for work or had free that day so it was me and three substitutes who needed told what to do every step of the way..I was so stressed out and overwhelmed and when I came home I wrote on my facebook profile that all my babies at work were in a foul mood and was it a full moon. To which my boss sent me a private message that I shouldn't be writing negative things about work on facebook because the parents read my profile and it wouldn't be right. I didn't think I wrote anything in great detail about the day and everyone has a bad day so why shouldn't children? But I removed the comment and wrote her back explaining about my day and promising to not write about work anymore at least not in a negative tone. I was a bit upset she hadn't asked me if I had a bad day or anything about my day considering what I wrote...and I guess it was just the last thing I needed today.

On top of everything I miss my husband...he's been gone a long tme and I miss him terribly...especially when things get tough...he's the one guy I can tell everything too and share my feelings with without being judged. He will be home in two weeks but those two weeks are going to drag on forever...

I've been so good about walking daily but the last two days I've eaten horrible. I've comforted myself with food. Yesterday was a very long day with work and meeting and I was so tired when I came home that I comforted myself with food and today when I got home after such a difficult day I again turned to food to soothe my feelings...it's a horrible habit and one I must be better about trying to break. At least I'm aware of it and that must be a start right??

What did Annie say? The Sun will come out tomorrow??? Well, let's hope so, I'm scheduled to take the same training course my co-workers were at today, tomorrow. It's about learning to be in nature with children and things to do with them. Today the women who were there said it rained a lot and was so cold so dress warmly. But let's hope for some sun tomorrow and take it from there...after the course my weekend starts and I'm going to use it to try and recharge and get back on track both mentally and physically.

Thanks for listening to me whine about my troubles...I know so many people go through things that are much worse but we often find the things closest to us the most difficult to deal with and have solutions for everyone else's problems....I guess I'm no different.

I've promised the kids a smoothie before bedtime so I'll close here...take care everyone...
Until next time...