Silence…..sometimes it can be a good thing and sometimes it can be a bad thing. Some of you recall I posted about true love….but then I removed it. My daughter was upset that I was "hanging" out her father and our issues in such a public forum. So I removed it out of respect for her and have just not felt like writing since.
However, I´m back- finally! Lots has happened but the most important thing to get is that the Captain and I have split ways. Our journey together is finished and I am sailing forward alone now. It would be a much sadder situation if I didn´t have all the details that I have about what has actually been happening in my marriage. While I have been living in a "perfect" marriage, things have, in reality, not been perfect at all. This tells you all how incredibly positive I am….I can be living in such a negative existence as possible and I had myself completely convinced everything was wonderful. My cup was half full- ALWAYS. This is a good thing too- but one should never deny reality. Problem was that the Captain was a master at hiding reality from me, so even if I wanted to see reality, I couldn´t.
Water under the bridge now…..life goes on and I still have the most important thing in the world still….my children.
I have never been through a divorce before, never really known anyone close to me who has been through a divorce either…so I guess in my little head, I thought a divorce with someone I thought was a good friend would be kinda like in the movies, where the ex´s part as friends and everything is smooth going and friendly and life just moves on. I have heard of the ugly divorces but that was for people who hated each other and the Captain and I have never hated each other that I was aware of….heck in 20 years of marriage I don´t think we have ever really fought….I can´t remember any times we fought…..so I thought if we ever went our own way it would be tough but at the same time harmonious…we would do the right thing for the kids and make it through with a friendship at least after all of these years.
My children are incredibly smart, grown up, thoughtful people….they do not instantly take sides and even with cold hard facts on the table they play the neutral card as much as possible, to their mother´s great dismay. (I was hoping for some support in my corner, despite knowing you should not pit child against parent in this situation…) However, so many things have been dealt with in a wrong way throughout this whole situation and they have made their own opinions about the situations and unfortunately the decisions they have had to come too have not been good ones….their relationship with their Dad is strained and for the moment not in a good place and for the moment they do not wish to pursue anything further with their Dad. While this thought should make me happy it doesn´t. It isn´t how it should be. Kids need both their parents. However, I strongly feel that someone can be a father or a mother and not necessarily a parent…there is a difference..A mother or father gives you the stuff you need to make the kid…a parent is there for their kids through everything, good and bad. They guide, they advise, they help, they love, they support, they are there always and put their kids first- ALWAYS.
This divorce wound is still fresh….and I am hoping in time it will heal for all of us. That the kids and the Captain can find a common ground again….a peaceful place together. A new time has begun for me and I am both excited and nervous and a little afraid of how things will be. I have discovered throughout this ordeal though just how many wonderful caring friends and family I have. I have always known they were there…but it is when you hit rock bottom and they are still there, offering you a hand to get up….yeah….you see them in a totally different light. They mean more then I could ever formulate in words.
The kids and I will be staying here in the woods in our Eventyrhus and we are so grateful for this. Some of the dogs have had to leave us or are going to leave us as I can not afford 7 dogs. Nanna has found a fabulous new home in Fagernes Norway with a loving family and a handsome 7 year old Golden Retriever named Odin. Birdy will be moving to the states probably by the end of summer. She will go to Seattle to live with her son, Bamse and his family. They are going to be holding a fundraiser to raise money to bring her over. Ridiculously enough a dog´s ticket costs more then a human´s ticket- go figure! When I get information for the fund raiser I will let you all know and if you would like to donate a little something to help get Birdy to the states I would forever be grateful for that act of kindness. I know she will have a great life there and they already love her so much!
The rest of the gang I think I will try and keep. My fear is the small dogs…they really shouldn´t be with people who work full time as I will be doing from this fall but I am going to see how it goes. If they seem stressed or not happy I will have to re-evaluate what I will do with them then but I am going to try and make it work. That is all one can do, try and see….
My plans for the future are to try and go to school. I think this is my best option for the future, however, I have a little entrepreneur in me who is screaming to get out also….so who knows, maybe I will be one of those people with a bunch of different jobs, working herself into the ground…..no sugar daddy needed here to make life great…she makes it great herself! Yeah….I like the sound of that ;-)
Until next time my friends…...
